Sexual Stages In A Relationship

This helpful article will bring to light what sexual stage your relationship is in, and how you can turn up the heat and passion. So find out if you're in the:

• Sweatpants Stage
• Conflict Stage
• Sleep Stage
• Waking Up Stage

(Article originally published by Tammy Nelson & adapted for this website)

Falling in love is easy. That’s why we call it “falling” and not “climbing.” Sometimes we even plummet into love. This falling idea implies we don’t have a choice. It also means we don’t have control. Falling in love is an emotional bungee jump, an adventurous free fall into the unknown depths of imagined romance. There is an element of excitement to that “falling” feeling. When we relax our guard and let ourselves love another person, we get into the rush. It’s only later that we say to ourselves, “Oh, wait, what was I thinking?”

In the early phases of romantic love, everything feels easy. We are excited to see our beloved. We think about them often. We desire them sexually. And sometimes we feel like we can’t get enough.

At some point, the fall seems to slow down. Maybe it even stops. For some of us the ground rushes up fast, and we slam into the hard cold reality of real relationship. Our partner doesn’t always adore us. We don’t always feel cherished. Sometimes they annoy us. And sex isn’t as spontaneous and passionate as it was during the free fall stage. The relationship moves into a more settled place and sometimes we wonder whether we are still in love. When the sex is different, the highs are not as high, and the attraction is not the same, does this mean that we are no longer in love? What happened to the passion? Long-term relationships are not necessarily a death sentence for love and desire. These phases of partnership are normal and common to everyone. Sexual excitement and passion are part of a conscious relationship, where a shared vision of connected, intimate partnership is part of the work of couple hood.

Better sex and more passion often require more conscious choice. It may not feel effortless anymore like it did in the free fall phase of your relationship. But now we have the opportunity to create the passion we really want.

The "Sweatpants" Stage

After the romantic phase has come to a landing, we settle into a commitment with our partner and we start to relax. The more familiar we are with each other, the safer and more comfortable we feel, and more of our real selves come to the surface. We may begin to relax our appearance. We sometimes start to put on weight or forget to shave as often or just become careless about our looks. We stop worrying about attracting our partner and start to worry about whether or not we are attracted to them.

Sex during the “sweatpants” stage may be comforting; we know more about our partner’s needs and what they enjoy. We feel more confident in our ability to please our partner. We might slide into “maintenance sex,” no longer trying new things, just focusing on what works. Maintenance sex can be great, but not always as passionate as we desire.

The Conflict Stage

When we go into a conflict stage (and we all do), sex can sometimes be used to keep score. If we are happy with our partner, we feel more open to erotic connection. Conflict and resentment may prevent us from wanting to be intimate. Sex may become a way to heal rifts, or it may decrease in frequency as we begin to pull away, protecting ourselves from stress.

When conflict goes on for too long, and there is defensive behavior in both partners, we may begin to withdraw from each other. We pull back from the relationship, trying to protect ourselves from harm. We might accept the conflict as unavoidable and decide that it’s worth staying in the relationship for a variety of reasons; including the fact that we still remember the passion of the romantic love stage and hope that someday we can get back to that initial feeling.

The Sleep Stage

We make a choice, instead of ending the relationship, to go to “sleep,” sinking into the inevitability of unhappiness, and focus on outside interests to keep us feeling energized. This begins the “sleep” phase of the relationship.

The sex in the sleep phase may be the only time there is connection in the partnership. Sex is a way to feel closer to a partner and renew a sense of commitment. This may also be a time when we start fantasizing about other lovers, or perhaps split off our erotic needs into affairs, internet relationships or pornography. Sometimes we just wonder what happened to all the passion and energy in our relationship.

In the “sleep” stage the sexual relationship begins to wane. Couples at this phase of their relationship may begin to complain about lack of interest in sex, sexual dysfunction, and non-initiation, feelings of rejection, abandonment, and resentment toward their partner. (Note: Many physical reasons exist for sexual dysfunction, including blood pressure medications, heart medications, cholesterol medications, menopause, hormonal imbalances, thyroid medication, birth control pills, and antidepressants. See your doctor for physical symptoms of sexual dysfunction, including erectile dysfunction and lack of interest in sex.)

Waking Up

The good news is that there is another stage of sexual relationship: the “waking up” stage. Sometimes one or both partners recognize that the partnership needs help to return to or begin a new stage of passion and connection. This is the time that many couples come to therapy or seek out couples workshop. One partner recognizes the problem and doesn’t want to stay asleep. Both partners remember the “alive” feeling of sexual connection and of falling in love. They want to feel energized and passionate again. The process of learning to talk to each other begins.

Just as in the early stages of relationship, when we seek to know our partner intimately, we can bring new excitement to our relationships later when we learn ways to communicate about sex. Better lovers bring more skills to the relationship and increase the depth of erotic life. Couples can do this at any phase of relationship, bringing a new level of passion to the relationship.

When we learn how to talk about the things that scare us, we experience a greater level of intimacy. Loving feelings then naturally increase toward our partner. Risk can make sex exciting and many times increases feelings of attachment.

Much of the delight in the early stages of relationships comes from the discovery of our partner. Learning about our love object, unveiling our own inner selves, and finding erotic charge from the shared discovery keeps us engaged and present in relationship. Remaining curious about your partner, learning ways they receive pleasure, and what they desire, can renew those early feelings of “falling in love.” Falling into the passion can be a conscious choice at any phase of your relationship. Through conscious dialogue and a commitment to growth, couples can have the passion and love they desire.

Your Assignment - Sex Date

Make a date with your partner for sex. Sex dates are an important part of creating spontaneity and special time in your relationship. It shows commitment and intention to your partnership, and simultaneously adds a caring and more erotic element to your connection. Ironically, spontaneity only happens when you plan it! Pick one night a week and know that you will have some type of sexual contact, even if you don’t feel like it in the moment. Sometimes arousal comes before desire - don’t wait for the desire to hit. You are creating an environment where desire can flourish, once it is aroused.

For more information or specific exercises to do on Sex Date night, the book Getting the Sex You Want by Tammy Nelson is available on Amazon.